dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
