he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
