just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
