When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
