I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
