I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
