Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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