I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
