my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
