What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
