So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He shit in the fireplace
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
