My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
3pm strippers are depressing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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