This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A bitchslap is in order.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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