I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
