You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
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I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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