Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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