The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
