4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
