I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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