dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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