I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
