he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's never too late to be topless.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
