I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
third nipple confirmed
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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