i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
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oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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