This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
