How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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