My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We left an ass print on the piano.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
