dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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