I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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