She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
