Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
