just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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