Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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