Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.