My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
