He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
