Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
