is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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