U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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