Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
