i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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