I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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