I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
