the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't put those talents on a resume
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
