he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
