We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think my fart just growled at me.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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