wrigley field is MILF paradise
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
