My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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