How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
