Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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