I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
