do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
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my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?