I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.