True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.