I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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