Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
