Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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