I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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