why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
