hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
