I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
