Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
